and so it is...

sometimes folks just don't know what's good for them. or rather, they know what's good for them, and just don't think enough of themselves to act in their own best interest. i'm guilty of doing this, but on a smaller scale... like not working out, not drinking enough water, procrastinating, smoking newports, etc. i suppose i can remember a time when i too was willing to allow myself to be tortured by other people's negativity. there are plenty of people out there looking to shine vicariously through, and at the expense of, the individuals with good hearts, kind souls, and strong spirits.

it is true that misery loves company. even when joy is knocking on the window.

me... i'm just a tasty cake cooking in a warm oven. i picked out a tasty flavor of icing, hoping it would be willing to grace my cake. i don't think the finished product would be as tasty with another flavor of icing. but if i stay in the oven too long, waiting for my chosen icing, i'll get burned, and i won't be as tasty. do i take the risk? go shopping for another flavor? or enjoy my tasty pound cake self?

i'll probably procrastinate. brood over the decision. stay in the oven until i'm charred to a crisp. hope i don't set the house on fire.

and so it is. (but i do like pound cake.)

what to do, what to do, what to do

i have a habit of trying to too much when i can't figure out what to do. for example, in the next 3 weeks i've scheduled trips to st. louis, boston, and chicago. boston is school-related, so i gotta go. st. louis is hosting the national women's mba conference. they got a career fair and i need a job. then in chicago, there's the ph.d. project. for 100 bucks i can spend 2 days in chicago, but do i really want a ph.d. in business? ummm... no. ph.d. yes. but in what? finance, management, strategy? i figure if i can't answer those questions now, i'm not really interested enough to get through a ph.d. program.

then there's my special friend, she's back. i'm stuck. what can i say? i figure if i'm still stuck after all this time i should pay attention to my instincts. in spite of all the frustrations, she probably the only person who sees me from the inside out, rather than the other way around. she'd never let me get away with bullshit i'm getting away with these days, like flying to chi-town posing as a potential ph.d. program.

what else do my instincts tell me? they tell me that i really should give up this game i'm playing with myself. i should stop trying to so the things i think i should do, and have the courage to do the things i really want to do.

it's not that i'm indecisive. i'm just unwilling to let myself go further out a limb. even now, on my own damn blog, i hesitate to put it out there. i suppose that's a sign that it might really be important to me. i'm most protective of what's nearest and dearest.

argh...

i really need to turn of the tv and pick up a book. being who we really want to be is hard. it takes effort. i believe i have an aversion to effort. this is problematic.

foggy thoughts

i love this weather. mild and stormy. loud, heavy rains. it allows me to be housebound and content. free to brood in my sloth. in my own little world. this is even better when i am in my happy place. muahahahaha... i'm sitting on harlem right now.

the decision-making process

i've been brooding over my ineptitude all week. sometime in the last 2 days i had a conversation with myself about taking the steps i'm willing to take rather than taking the steps i feel like i should take. The latter involves resumes, cover letters, follow-up, networking. The former, i'm clueless about. why do i feel like i don't know myself well enough to know what i want to do?

this got me thinking about how i ended up in my present situation (in my people's house, in school). i made this decision mainly because i felt the need to be closer to my family. like i needed to go back to move forward. it was a retreat of sorts. a search for closure. a need to reconnect. etc. now - i realize my parents are grown. even when they don't act like it. and i'm no longer willing to be a buffer. same for my brother. he's out the house alive. time for him to do his own thing for a bit. now there are other family members on my radar - my cousin, my sister, my great aunt. so family is still a priority, but not a decision driver.

then there's me. right now, i'm at a place in my life where i can be me and not feel any pressure to restrain myself. so i'm thinking big city - NYC, (SF). i feel boxed in in VA. i gotta get out. there's also the family thing, i need space from other folks with my last name. so no VA. no NC. i could do new york. get a different perspective on family. force the issue.

most importantly though, these days i don't feel like such a late-bloomer. my decisions have just been a reflection of where my head was at the time i made them. it's ironic too, because, when i came back from atlanta, i had a conversation with my father about feeling frustrated with myself for taking advantage of what come my way, rather than figuring out where i really wanted to go, the road less traveled. he said could understand my frustration because grew up in a family that doesn't take risks. strictly status cuo. hence my rebellion against all things status quo - most importantly, my inability to consider making decisions driven by money. i've allowed that to take precedence over everything else, and i know i've got to stop. i know i gotta eat, but at this point, i can do that reagardless. (me not pimping my resume right now, does not preclude me from finding emloyment upon graduation.) dad said this was the time in my life where i should not be afraid to take risks. risk-return.

which leads me to my next move. it's coming to me. slowly but surely coming into view. it feels right. it suits me. i can allow myself to be consumed with it without feeling like i'm missing out. (<- primary reason i could never be a banker.) i think you have to allow yourself to be consumed with a craft to be successful, or at least i know i do. in order to be willing to work, to grow, to make a contribution, i need to be consumed. i'm still marinating on it though. ever the tortoise. i'm looking forward to winter on house arrest. i'll have lots of time to read. but anyone making moves from 757 to 804, or 434, holla at me. i'll definitely need to get out from time to time. (i'll be riding shotgun for the next six months. probably a good thing.) come march 27, i' ll be ready for my next coming out party (LA?). holla...

one more thing...

i just want to send some love to all my peoples everywhere. i am most appreciative of my friends. what the quote... 'friends are people who know you and still like you' ... or something like that. thank you.

'round and 'round in circles

damn this job search. the reality of the situation is that i never really wanted a job. all i ever wanted to do was sit in a corner and think. and write. consider the list of people i've admired since i could read: dubois, washington, gates, west, coltrane, davis, hendrix, morrison, hurston, baldwin, walker, lorde, hughes, lawrence, biggers, tanner. these people were writers, artists, musicians, visionaries and revolutionaries. i didn't ever read anything about them pushing resumes and cover letters, and 60 second elevator stories.

i didn't make a decision to return to school to be a banker. i felt like i needed to come home, for a littany of reasons. i knew i needed a better understanding of how money really makes the world go 'round, and to prove to myself that i could do school again. i don't think it was about the money. i'd like to be able to travel the world and leave my kids a phat trust fund, but i can't see myself in a suit every damn day. just becuase i can, doesn't mean i should.

i think i was in high school when i first said i wanted to write. i've been saying that for a long time. recently, i decided it was time to leave VA. i tend to go back and forth on this one, but i've been here. done this. it's definitely time to move on. i'm thinking NY. i got peoples there. (gotta go where my people are.) i got people in LA too, but being in 757 and having VA state po-po on my ass had turned me off to the urban sprawl of LA. i could do SF. don't know if i got folks there though.

right now, it's more about bringing closure to where i've been. i spent my first 26 years trying to be what i thought i was supposed to be. now, i'm trying to figure out who/what/where i am. i've tried this before - making a move to make a statement. my last move was about removing myself from the 434. my next move should be about me. no one else. just me.

i really gotta stop overthinking these things though. there is something oddly enjoyable in not knowing what's next. life's too short to bullshit through it.

naima

twice today someone asked me 'bout my middle name... first, a classmate who was just asking a random question i suppose. when i told him, he laughed, as if he'd known someone else with the name. said he liked it, and from now on he was going to call me naima. no more than 3 hours later in best buy, the cashier looked at my DL and asked the same question. 'such a beautiful name,' she said. i told her she should listen to the Coltrane song if she wanted to hear what beautiful sounded like. she was thinking about baby names and would remember mine. she tried it out - 'bye naima,' as i walked away smiling.

buy low. sell high. get out.

housing limbo begins tomorrow. the peoples are feeling sentimental. separation anxiety is to be expected because time creates false attachments. what is a house but bricks, wood, and paint? lincoln street taught me that. home is where the family is, but a house is an investment. buy low, sell high, get out, move on. i'm the first to complain about moving, especially with so much on our collective plates. i hate the unsettledness of it all. however, i definitely don't feel the sense of attachment i used to feel. i suppose age and experience has taught me that things change. nowadays, when i get to feeling sentimental, i recognize that memory favors the happy moments. all i have to do is take a moment to dig up some dirt, flashback to a not-so-happy moment, and begin to look forward again. no need to fear the unknown. all i need to know i learned from listening to luther - 'a chair is still a chair...'

Don't shit where you sleep.

I was fortuntate to have this advice imparted to me before it came to bite me in the ass. Like every good piece of advice, I've tried to share the sentiment whenever appropriate. Unfortunately, folks don't want to listen. Sometimes, folks just gotta learn things the hard way.

Did ya'll catch Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke? Truly mandatory viewing. Fuel for the ABW fire.

And why does every female I know think they're bringing Sexy back? When did Sexy leave? I missed that...

back to skool

this weekend i learned that my time is worth waaay more to me than anyone else. it is truly my greatest resource. i never made it to charlottesville... that's probably a good thing. i still have no plan... that's also a good thing. i'm working on being present in the moment and not being so hard on myself. every day is extraordinary...

R.I.P Gatsby - thanks for keeping me warm, keeping me company, and being the best mascot the Woo ever had. Thanks for truly being a bad ass 'bout it bitch.

will the real lboogie please stand up?

why do i still feel the need to maintain status quo? i'm so torn between what i should do and what i really want to do. what do i really want to do? pack my shit. kidnap my girl. drive west. see what happens. seriously. after 12 weeks in VT, the last thing i want to do in this lifetime is spend 10 hours a day letting the Man pimp my brain. In spite of my true desires, I still find myself playing the job search game, but I don't have the heart, and I'm all about heart. as i stand at the fork in the road, why do i lack the courage to do my own thing? 'cause it's lonely out here...

timely quote (thanks moms)

"when i am not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. when i get bored, i get distracted, and when i get distracted, I become depressed. It is a natural resisitance, and it insures your integrity" - Maria Irene Fornes

is that my problem? 'cause i am one bored, distracted, depressed individual. i'ma look into this.

late blooms

look! i decorated the bat cave. if i really had a bat cave that shit would be laid out tight.

aiight, moment of truth... i need to get off the drugs. seriously. it just occurred to me how long it's been since i've gone substance-free for any significant period of time... 'bout eight or nine years. no wonder my brain is fried. i got zero attention span and zero interest in much of anything. it's down right sad. and i just keep putting it off. everytime i get down to the last bottle, last pack, last sack, last whatever, I say that's it. i'm done... but i always reach out for something. argh... gotta shake the monkeys.

so i'ma finish off this ish right here and that's it... i'm done.

dan rather for president

yo... dan rather needs to run for president. after all his years of investigating, surely he know some things the rest of us don't know, and surely by now he's developed some alternative plans of action... let the dude have an opinion and act on it. let's be real, folks ain't ever gon' be too politically involved. i know dan. i like dan. he'd give a damn good speech from the oval office. he's actually BEEN to iraq. been to vietnam. been to every other war zone... probably has a clearer idea of how much the rest of the world is ready to nlow us up, 'cause george is clueless. let's get a third party going and elect dan rather for president ya'll. can we do a massive write-in campaign? that would be hot. start speading the word.

oooh tonight i met this absolutely adorable skater dude named dave. i found my 2006 w.b.c. - all is right with the world again. dave rode his skateboard down and hill for me. i tried to skateboard and he held my hands, and i so pulled that dizty white girly girl act, like heidi from 'the hils.' i hope i see him again soon. i would come back to vt for some skater dave.

write-in dan rather for president 2008.

a change gon' come

"i realised that marijuana was going to be an enormous political catalsyt, because anyone who got high would immediately see through the official hallucination that had been laid down and would begin questioning, 'what is this war?'" - allen ginsburg

yes, i spend most of my time in a foggy state, but i been paying attention to what's going on in the world right now... israel invading lebanon, north korea launching missles...

if you aren't already paying attention...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2381098849184685952&q=freedom

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3254488777215293198&q=freedom+to+fascism

www.consciousmedianetwork.com

randomness

muahahahaha... mcgruder is on point.
ps - please don't miss out on the new brand new heavies cd. pick that jawn up. mine will be on repeat for the rest of the summer.

rise or fall

when faced with a seemingly overwhelming situation or circumstance, most individuals either rise to the occasion or succumb to the pressure. problem is, this assumption is usually an outside observation of the individual, rather than the individuals perception of herself.

i suppose the fact that i am taking advantage of my current situation to be a scrub, would lead some to assume i've succumb to the pressure... (what pressure? the pressure i guess most interns feel to do an exemplary job and "network" during their 12-week job interview.) for some reason, i never felt that pressure. i had hoped to be wowed by corporate america, but in reality i am still throughly disgusted by it in a lot of ways. point is - i don't want to be a part of it. that certainty has afforded me an opportunity to rethink a lot of things. mainly, i had to figure out how i ended up in this situation in the first place. what's really striking to me is that the sense of isolation is eerily reminiscent of my time spend in hereford - when i was 19 and lost my fool crazy mind.

so lately i've been barracading myself in my room thinking. the tv is on. the room is smoky. my thoughts are hazy. they are of relationships - family, friends, lovers, heroes. they are of me - my fears, my inhibitions, my hopes, my lack of balls to dare to dream. i realize that as i original as i try to be in thought and spirit, I am woefully ordinary because I have yet to take that long hard look in the mirror and ask myself - "what if you dared to dream?"

then i get to thinking of my family. i was born into a truly special family. three generations of my family have professional degrees, on both sides. so that's expected. no props for that. and trust that there's no job i could have at this age that would afford me the lifestyle i've my whole damn life. i do believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. when i was 18 i thought that meant i should do all the things folks expected of me. go to medical school. find a cure for aids. walk on mars. those types of things. but they weren't my dreams.

then i get to thinking 'bout relationships. when an individual is focused on maintaining the status quo, the individual is not herself - so that whole relationship deal just doesn't work. all i really want to do is get better at being me. it ain't easy. (i get stared at.) there is courage in just being me. that is beautiful. i need time to enjoy my shine ya know.

ah... then i get to thinking 'bout my little man... 'bout to be off to college... 'bout to take that step that was my first stumble. i got lost my first trip out the gate. he remembers that. maybe it's a sign, i find myself in a situaiton reminiscent of hereford - when i contemplated suidicide and estimated the number of days my body could possibly rot before being found. back then i thought of him, and how i would never want him to get that lost. that was enough to keep it moving until the sun came out again. i'm glad i did. now i'm glad i'm around to look out for him. he'll be fine. he'll do his thing, and i'll have his back. maybe he'll let me be a part of his entourage...

then i get to thinking about the fact that i smell like ass, and i should shower and get to work before someone notices i ain't been there all morning. muahahahahahaha.... damn it feels good. i love ya'll. all ya'll out there... nuttin' but love. lboogs is risin'.

highlight of the day

i spend most of my weekend days horizontal watching MTV. i'm hibernating in the summer time. options are limited. MTV news just did a special on baltimore club music and they showed Paradox and DJ K-Swift. Damn I miss them days. And i guess that's my problem right now... I need to get out.
i went to this spot called the Green Room in burlington friday night. the dj played a nice set... a lil Outkast, some Pharcyde. I was impressed... but the conversation was about ice hockey vs. football (soccer). are you serious? lil' kids in brazil ain't got ice rinks. end of convo. my point... the music was just playing in the background. i might have been the only one besides the DJ with any appreciation for the beats. (i do think it's really weird to hear hip-hop in bars with no black people. imagine walking into a bar full of black folks listening to Kenny Chesney. Yeah... it's like that.)
it was definitely cool to see MTV branching out a bit, though they failed to mention to the masses that Paradox is frequented by those who enjoy alternative lifestyles... but then again, a club full of black folks is never status quo. makes me wanna get some fresh kicks and a wife beater and wil' out with my peoples.

world cup final... france or italy? two words: theirry henry. holla...

advice

when life gives you lemons, break out the tequila and salt.

the gloves are off...

i been in a bit of a funk up here in VT. when everything changes at once - location, job, living situation - it's hard to put a finger the source of the problem. i figured it out today. it's the white folks. i always hesitate to go there 'cause i know a lot of cool ass white folks and i don't want to generalize. i prefer white folks who have already been pre-exposed to black folks (or just darker skinned folks in general) becuase the folks up here like to stare. they stare because this state is 97% white. they stare at me wherever i go. i'm talking about mouth open mesmerized stares.
now ya'll know i'm used to getting stared at. i'm a six foot tall black woman. the staring makes me feel isolated. the sense of isolation makes me angry, and i take the anger out on myself (most of the time). well now the gloves are coming off.
right now, i am an angry black person... um, wait... i've always been and an angry black person. now, i shall communicate my anger. i will allow myself to feel and process the stares. there is a lot to be learned here.

you know you're in vermont... #1

when, on May 31, the local evening news is doing a feature on how to protect your knees and get ready for ski season.

also, i just want to inform my faithful readers (that means you D.) that i will soon be launching a new blog to record my brief experience working for The Man. the gloves are coming off... be afraid... be very afraid. muahahahahahahahahaha...

spooky horoscope

my google homepage horoscope for today...

A conflict between your long-term plans and current work obligations may arouse cross words, followed by a sensible solution. Even if you know there is disagreement, don't shy away from a difficult conversation just to please others. Instead, engage the issues directly and search for common ground.

that's crazy 'cause right now i'm really worried that i might just get on that plane to VA and not come back. well i'd come back for my car and some other essential items, but i don't think i've ever been more ready or excited to make my next move - and i've never been known for my patience. 10 more weeks... so what's the sensible solution?

the sun shines on vermont

so the sun finally came out, and stayed out all day long. i took some pictures of the sun setting over the lake, but pictures never seem to do a scene justice. i sat at the waterfront for a while and reminisced a bit... figured i'd share the soundtrack. off to my happy place...

my personal journey

move back to hampton. get to work on lincoln street. celebrate the holidays (for the first time... truly celebrate). finish school. work for bank, locally. pay bills. invest. accumulate capital. open grocery store. open bar. open diner. open bike shop. open barber shop. work. procreate. love. learn to play the guitar. learn to fly. learn to surf. learn to sail. travel. write a book. if i get a chance to do all this... celebrate.

John Paul Jones Arena

WWE Raw, Cirque Du Soleil, Ringling Bros., Diversity CareerDay, Dave Matthews Band... in Charlottesville, VA?!
wooooow...

how come...

how come...

when i'm in hampton, i wonder why i'm still in hampton?
when i'm not it hampton, i want to go home?

when i'm out with folks, i'd rather be home chillin'?
when i'm home chillin', i'd rather not be home chillin' by myself?

when i'm sober, i wish i weren't?
when i'm not sober, i feel like i'm out of control?

when i was broke, i wanted a job?
when i have a job, i'd rather go my own way?

when i'm single, i'd rather not be?
when i'm not single, i'd rather be?

no matter how long i contemplate the questions, the answers are still elusive?

i guess it was a good day

today, at about 3:00pm, i saw blue skies for the first time in 6 days. i was about to find myself a strait jacket and a wall to beat my head on, so i'm glad the sun decided to reappear and save me from myself. after work (snooooooze), i finally got a chance to see the burlington waterfront in the sunshine. not bad. everything looks better when the sun is shining. on my little excursion, i found some cool neighborhoods. burlington looks a lot like charlottesville... think belmont in 434, or ghent in 757... and apparently, i'm just not living in the right spot. i'm in the village of essex junction... think crozet in 434, or hilton village in 757.

the sun came out, and i found my happy place. on a side note, i must discuss the tragedies occurring on primetime TV these days. (yes, i'm watching tv with bunny ears.) 3 season finales (Grey's Anatomy, O.C., er)... 7 deaths, or near-deaths... wtf? that's not entertaining, that's depressing.

did i mention it's raining again? and it's supposed to rain until tuesday? clearly it's time to look for weekend flights to LA... still, it was a good day.

mojo, where are you?

i have lost the mojo. sad but true. with the help of some guided discussion in a friendly therapy session, i've concluded that i lost my mojo when i moved out of the box. ahhh... the box. i hate to break it to the fine folks in essex junction but ain't no mojo in VT. duh! likewise, ain't no mojo in 757. i always wanted to be one of those idealistic people who gets to do what they love in life. well i love my mojo, and i want it back. so that's my new mission in life... operation mojo reclaimation. Too bad we can't start this operation for another year, but no worries. It's like i told my partner-in-riches... i need time to plan. muahahahahahahahahahahaha...

i'm wilin. memorial day in the 757. it's on...

errr... I'm in Vermont

No doubt this is by far the craziest, bravest, boldest, most random and strange thing i've ever done. I definitely couldn't turn down the opportunity, but damn if I ain't in Vermont right now. I'm still wrapping my brain around this. The natives were staring at me last night in the grocery store last night, and today in BB&B. Ya'll realize the little kids 'round these parts have only seen black people on ESPN? argh.

stolen quote

"being deeply loved by someone gives you stregnth; deeply loving someone gives you courage." - lao tzu

if i've learned nothing else this past year, i've learned that lesson to be true.
i jacked this quote from D's travel blog. Leave it to her to provide just the right words. She is the coolest. She is currently living the vagabond life while simultaneously carving her niche in the corporate world. bitch is bad.

hyped

I am soooooooooo hyped to get on the road and get to VT!
it's fierce right now.

recommendation

i meant to put this on blast a minute ago, but Pink's new album, I'm Not Dead is good for driving around with the windows down and you feel like singing to yourself. I posted the lyrics to "I got money now" on my other blog (which features lyrics to songs in the current rotation; 'cause i'm cerebral and i listen to the words).

love, peace, and buddha to all my peoples.

chillin' hard

the beast was back this semester, but now i'm taking a rest. straight chillin'. i have this wonderdul routine going... wake up. pee. realize that i don't have to be anywhere. smile. go back to bed. wake up. contemplate meaning of life. sleep. wake up. contemplate the punks in my life. sleep. wake up. contemplate the ridiculously exciting things in my life. sleep. wake up. ponder logistics and plans of execution of afrementioned ridiculously exciting things. sleep. wake up with hunger pains. wish for female live-in chef. watch young & the restless, and b&b. get up. starving.

speaking of Y&R... after 'bout 10 years, is Neil finally gonna find out Lily ain't his kid? wasn't i in the 7th grade when that storyline started?

anyway, so all this contemplation is good for the mind. sort of a cleansing process. a chance to clear the cobwebs. buddha help too. that's all i got to say about that. back to chillin'.

let go and let buddha

Laughing Buddha

Knucklehead

it ended rather abruptly via text message.
"yo... you gone?"

i thought i was just being patient with him. waiting for the right moment to be honest with him. waiting for the courage to confess all those feelings that i never share. but the right moment never came. so what do i do with the truth of the matter?...

everything i know about relationships I learned from love jones: "let it go... and just walk away."

clarity on relationships (mildly foggy)

B-school has been good for me. all of a sudden i can think on things with an odd clarity. like all the things that used to trouble me seem amazingly simple now. this is especially true with relationships. First, I gotta give props to Te. She's my #1 homegirl. She cracks me up. I would've lost my fool crazy mind by now if she weren't in this program. she could probably say the same. she's gonna let me be in her wedding. she's a good friend. we look out for each other.
Then there's Knucklehead, yeah, Kucklehead's back ya'll. Knucklehead's getting married. woooooooow. ummm...that's all i have to say about that. good luck to ya bro.
Ah... then there's the Missus. If I could see her and talk to her and tell her all the things i've figured out, I'd feel better. That's the honest truth and that's all there is to it. Just waiting for the opportunity to present itself. Patiently.
I can also think of a few associates I need to call up. Work on slowly converting some of these associates to friends. I'll be in touch.

thanks

i am grateful for my friends. they be looking out for me. they are many, and i am lucky to have them.

to live and die in LA

don't get me wrong... i was born in VA. my family has been in VA since slavery. i know VA. i bleed VA blood. But right now, i'm in cali and tonight i was wilin' out in club 740 in downtown LA. i spent the whole damn day reminiscing about my time in LA. i watch the OC like it was actually a decent TV show 'cause on thursday nights i get to see cali on tv. there's a reason why folks decide to take part in the urban sprawl that is LA. i know i'ma catch a lot of shit from VA folks (mainly my little brother) 'cause VA/757 folks don't understand why i love cali so much, to be honest, neither do I. maybe it's the palm trees, the pacific, the blue skies, the perfect weather, the laid back lifestyle, the distance from all my east coast peoples with all their drama and all their expectations... somehow i found my way out here when i was 19 years old. right now, i wonder why i ever bothered to go back to VA. don't get me wrong, i love my family and i'm proud of the fact that the Winstons and the Rileys have been holding Hampton, VA down since slavery. i will always bleed Virginia blood, and tomorrow I gotta get back on a plance back to ORF, back to 757, back to W&M, but i love me some in & out burgers... i love the sight of the sun setting over the pacific enough to tattoo it on my back, and at the end of the day... i'm going going back back to cali cali cali.

one shining moment

i haven't really been watching the games the way I used to, but i still look forward to 'one shining moment.' i wonder if someone else will sing it this year now that luther is dead (or was he did he die before last year's OSM? i dunno.) i still think teddy pendergrass's version was best. it's always better when duke wins the tourney. the year hampton beat iowa state and tarvis williams picked up coach merfield also made me shed a tear. i doubt i'll cry this year... but i'll be watching.

wanted by the NYC transit police

i jumped a turnstile and got yelled at. that's gangsta.

i also got interview for a documentary. all official and what not, by a real live graduate student of broadcast journalism.

i am the coolest.

Batwoman goes to Gotham

this morning (damn... it was really 2pm), well this afternoon when i finally woke up, i scratched my head a few times, put on my glasses, threw on the jeans and t-shirt that i wore to the club last night and walked out into the street. i'm in west village, and i walked less than a block to 6th & w 9th to gray's papaya. Along the way, i passed a barnes & nobles, a drug store, 2 newsstands, starbucks, mcdonalds, and at least 5 other healthier grubbing options. oh yeah, and as i walked, it started to rain. i continued to walk in the rain with my hair frowed out while smoking a newport... 'cause i felt like it and nobody else gives a fuck.

last night i went out with two well-dressed women who are adept at manipulating doormen. we ended up at aer where i waited for them to drop the right name then stolled past the pricks who were all wearing blazers and button downs (dudes need a new uniform). as i walked by, i smiled at their girlfriends just so the ladies would know they could come holla when homeboy started getting on their damn nerves. i really got a kick out of the dude that bought us all a round of drinks thinking he'd help his chances of getting some ass later on... once the drinks were gone, he was dismissed.

not sure who was dj'ing but i damn sure broke a sweat. from what i can remember, the playlist included:
white stripes "seven nation army"
nirvana "smells like teen spirit"
outkast "wheelz of steel"
notorius b.i.g. "mo money, mo problems"
dr. dre "next episode"
kanye "touch the sky"
and some REALLY good 80's songs that i'm mad i can't remember right now.

i'm feeling the city right now. i need to find me a well dressed investment banker... applications are now being accepted. Minimum height requirement 5'5". muahahaha...

Batwoman goes to Gotham

this morning (damn... it was really 2pm), well this afternoon when i finally woke up, i scratched my head a few times, put on my glasses, threw on the jeans and t-shirt that i wore to the club last night and walked out into the street. i'm in west village, and i walked less than a block to 6th & w 9th to gray's papaya. Along the way, i passed a barnes & nobles, a drug store, 2 newsstands, starbucks, mcdonalds, and at least 5 other healthier grubbing options. oh yeah, and as i walked, it started to rain. i continued to walk in the rain with my hair frowed out while smoking a newport... 'cause i felt like it and nobody else gives a fuck.

last night i went out with two well-dressed women who are adept at manipulating doormen. we ended up at aer where i waited for them to drop the right name then stolled past the pricks who were all wearing blazers and button downs (dudes need a new uniform). as i walked by, i smiled at their girlfriends just so the ladies would know they could come holla when homeboy started getting on their damn nerves. i really got a kick out of the dude that bought us all a round of drinks thinking he'd help his chances of getting some ass later on... once the drinks were gone, he was dismissed.

not sure who was dj'ing but i damn sure broke a sweat. from what i can remember, the playlist included:
white stripes "seven nation army"
nirvana "smells like teen spirit"
outkast "wheelz of steel"
notorius b.i.g. "mo money, mo problems"
dr. dre "next episode"
kanye "touch the sky"
and some REALLY good 80's songs that i'm mad i can't remember right now.

i'm feeling the city right now. i need to find me a well dressed investment banker... applications are now being accepted. Minimum height requirement 5'5". muahahaha...

random funny #2

thanks to nina for putting me on...

a history of violence

so i've been hearing about this movie. it's supposed to be one on the best movies of 2005. according to the dvd cover, it was on over 150 top ten lists. this tells me two things: 2005 was a shitty year for movies, and the critics must've not have seen the movie that i just watched.

at the end of the movie, when the screen went black, i just stared at it for a moment with an incredulous look on my face like, "what the hell? is that it?" and the knuckle heads that made that mess knew they were wrong 'cause there was at least 10 seconds of black between the last scene and the credits. makes me wish i'd seen it on the big screen so i could have shared my dissappointment with fellow moviegoers.

oh, and i'll be adding this movie to my list of shitty (or just plain weird) movies with no black characters. not that i think one has anything to with the other, but it is a fascinating coincidence. other movies on the list: identity, and the hills have eyes. (more complete list to come.)

lesson learned... don't buy movies you haven't seen on dvd 'cause if it sucks you're stuck with it. oh well.

confession

my name is lauren. i am an alcoholic.

prophetic church sign #1

He who angers you, controls you.

sunny

every once in a while, i roll out of bed with a smile on my face. these are usually days when the sun is already out and shining, or days when i know what i'm going to wear before i find myseld standing in my closet ass naked and running late.

today is one of those days. so matter how the rest of the day goes, at least it started out right.

103 jamz old school joint of the day: Jeru the Damaja "Come Clean" (that's good shit)

closure

i've been stuck in relationship purgatory for some time now. i know all of the tired post-relationship cliches. the ones i've heard most often are "it just takes time" and "you just need to meet someone new." well, i don't have time - i'm in school and i need my brain back. and i don't want to meet anyone new because if i had the time to do that i probably wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
for the past three months or so, i've been beating myself up over it. what could i have done differently? is it really over? was it real or just a figment of my imagination? then other folks start popping up - old crushes, exes, friends that would've been crushes if it weren't for the exes, etc. then i get to thinking about all the people i dropped like a bad habit for getting in the way.
today, i finally had an epiphany - one of those moments when you actually come to believe something that part of you knew was true all along.
transience. people come and go. be they lovers, friends, or acquaintances. this is hard for me to deal with because i'm such an introvert. those that know me (there can't be more than 5 people on this planet that can make that claim, and none are related to me), know that the public persona is merely an alter ego. every once in a while, someone comes along and brings me out of my shell. if our paths cross at the right time, there are moments of comfort, support, companionship. it is during these moments that life becomes a bit more meaningful, and for a brief moment i stop trying to take on the world by myself. this connection is a rare and special occurrence. every time it happens, it should be appreciated. no regrets. so in hindsight, i consider myself lucky to have shared my life with another one of the 6 billion souls on this planet. sometimes i let them down. sometimes they let me down. but each of us did the best we could, for ourselves, and for each other. at the end of the day, we're mere humans. every once in a while, my best is not good enough. and neither is theirs. and that is ok.

...that feels better.

"i have no lid upon my head but if i did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind."

random funny #1

random list #2 - people with addictions that i admire

miles davis
jimi hendrix
robert nesta marley
jimi hendrix

all were brilliant... there's hope for me.

random list #1 - things i'm addicted to

sleep
mcdonald's
newports
sitting on my ass staring into space
contemplating the meaning of life
mind-altering substances
driving fast

fight night round 3

a few weeks ago i bought 'fight night round 3' for ps2. i was sorely dissappointed... there wasn't much improvement over 'fight night 2,' and game takes forever to load between cut scenes.
then yesterday, my brother shows me a demo of 'fight night round 3' for xbox 360. daaaaamn...
not only was the game play 10x faster, but i could see the little hairs in roy jones jr.'s fade.

lessons learned: life ain't fair, and i need a new xbox.

another wasted day

i tried to be productive today. really, i did. i tried to crack a textbook, read a case, prepare for class. but there's basketball on and the real world/road rules finale. oh well...

maybe we'll do better tomorrow... oh wait, doesn't tennessee play tomorrow night? damn.

foggy.

can i live
reminds me of my 757 boy
we used to rock the cavalier room
kickin' people in the head
wilin' out and what not
these things resurface from time to time
some people have the ability to bring me out of my shell
he was good at that
he came back
and that's good
'cause i missed him

why did duke and gonzaga lose?
why did both of the white boy all-americans cry as their ball playing days come to an end?
shit, i'd be crying too dog
bracket --> fucked
BC and UCONN can redeem me but i still won't win no money
maybe next year
go hoos

i like the holidays
the holidays are a good time to shack up

why does alex s like ATCQ's Midnight Marauders?
and de la soul?

i am most content when i am in my happy place
goodnight love

word of the day

fresh { fre SH }
1 not previously known or used; new or different
2 recently created or experienced and not faded or impaired
(of food) recently made or obtained
(of a person) full of energy and vigor
(of color or a person's complexion) bright or healthy in appearance
(of a person) attractively youthful and inexperienced
3 (of water) not salty
pleasantly clean, pure, and cool
4 (of the wind) cool and fairly strong

stay fresh.