and so it is...

sometimes folks just don't know what's good for them. or rather, they know what's good for them, and just don't think enough of themselves to act in their own best interest. i'm guilty of doing this, but on a smaller scale... like not working out, not drinking enough water, procrastinating, smoking newports, etc. i suppose i can remember a time when i too was willing to allow myself to be tortured by other people's negativity. there are plenty of people out there looking to shine vicariously through, and at the expense of, the individuals with good hearts, kind souls, and strong spirits.

it is true that misery loves company. even when joy is knocking on the window.

me... i'm just a tasty cake cooking in a warm oven. i picked out a tasty flavor of icing, hoping it would be willing to grace my cake. i don't think the finished product would be as tasty with another flavor of icing. but if i stay in the oven too long, waiting for my chosen icing, i'll get burned, and i won't be as tasty. do i take the risk? go shopping for another flavor? or enjoy my tasty pound cake self?

i'll probably procrastinate. brood over the decision. stay in the oven until i'm charred to a crisp. hope i don't set the house on fire.

and so it is. (but i do like pound cake.)

what to do, what to do, what to do

i have a habit of trying to too much when i can't figure out what to do. for example, in the next 3 weeks i've scheduled trips to st. louis, boston, and chicago. boston is school-related, so i gotta go. st. louis is hosting the national women's mba conference. they got a career fair and i need a job. then in chicago, there's the ph.d. project. for 100 bucks i can spend 2 days in chicago, but do i really want a ph.d. in business? ummm... no. ph.d. yes. but in what? finance, management, strategy? i figure if i can't answer those questions now, i'm not really interested enough to get through a ph.d. program.

then there's my special friend, she's back. i'm stuck. what can i say? i figure if i'm still stuck after all this time i should pay attention to my instincts. in spite of all the frustrations, she probably the only person who sees me from the inside out, rather than the other way around. she'd never let me get away with bullshit i'm getting away with these days, like flying to chi-town posing as a potential ph.d. program.

what else do my instincts tell me? they tell me that i really should give up this game i'm playing with myself. i should stop trying to so the things i think i should do, and have the courage to do the things i really want to do.

it's not that i'm indecisive. i'm just unwilling to let myself go further out a limb. even now, on my own damn blog, i hesitate to put it out there. i suppose that's a sign that it might really be important to me. i'm most protective of what's nearest and dearest.