rise or fall

when faced with a seemingly overwhelming situation or circumstance, most individuals either rise to the occasion or succumb to the pressure. problem is, this assumption is usually an outside observation of the individual, rather than the individuals perception of herself.

i suppose the fact that i am taking advantage of my current situation to be a scrub, would lead some to assume i've succumb to the pressure... (what pressure? the pressure i guess most interns feel to do an exemplary job and "network" during their 12-week job interview.) for some reason, i never felt that pressure. i had hoped to be wowed by corporate america, but in reality i am still throughly disgusted by it in a lot of ways. point is - i don't want to be a part of it. that certainty has afforded me an opportunity to rethink a lot of things. mainly, i had to figure out how i ended up in this situation in the first place. what's really striking to me is that the sense of isolation is eerily reminiscent of my time spend in hereford - when i was 19 and lost my fool crazy mind.

so lately i've been barracading myself in my room thinking. the tv is on. the room is smoky. my thoughts are hazy. they are of relationships - family, friends, lovers, heroes. they are of me - my fears, my inhibitions, my hopes, my lack of balls to dare to dream. i realize that as i original as i try to be in thought and spirit, I am woefully ordinary because I have yet to take that long hard look in the mirror and ask myself - "what if you dared to dream?"

then i get to thinking of my family. i was born into a truly special family. three generations of my family have professional degrees, on both sides. so that's expected. no props for that. and trust that there's no job i could have at this age that would afford me the lifestyle i've my whole damn life. i do believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. when i was 18 i thought that meant i should do all the things folks expected of me. go to medical school. find a cure for aids. walk on mars. those types of things. but they weren't my dreams.

then i get to thinking 'bout relationships. when an individual is focused on maintaining the status quo, the individual is not herself - so that whole relationship deal just doesn't work. all i really want to do is get better at being me. it ain't easy. (i get stared at.) there is courage in just being me. that is beautiful. i need time to enjoy my shine ya know.

ah... then i get to thinking 'bout my little man... 'bout to be off to college... 'bout to take that step that was my first stumble. i got lost my first trip out the gate. he remembers that. maybe it's a sign, i find myself in a situaiton reminiscent of hereford - when i contemplated suidicide and estimated the number of days my body could possibly rot before being found. back then i thought of him, and how i would never want him to get that lost. that was enough to keep it moving until the sun came out again. i'm glad i did. now i'm glad i'm around to look out for him. he'll be fine. he'll do his thing, and i'll have his back. maybe he'll let me be a part of his entourage...

then i get to thinking about the fact that i smell like ass, and i should shower and get to work before someone notices i ain't been there all morning. muahahahahahaha.... damn it feels good. i love ya'll. all ya'll out there... nuttin' but love. lboogs is risin'.