'round and 'round in circles

damn this job search. the reality of the situation is that i never really wanted a job. all i ever wanted to do was sit in a corner and think. and write. consider the list of people i've admired since i could read: dubois, washington, gates, west, coltrane, davis, hendrix, morrison, hurston, baldwin, walker, lorde, hughes, lawrence, biggers, tanner. these people were writers, artists, musicians, visionaries and revolutionaries. i didn't ever read anything about them pushing resumes and cover letters, and 60 second elevator stories.

i didn't make a decision to return to school to be a banker. i felt like i needed to come home, for a littany of reasons. i knew i needed a better understanding of how money really makes the world go 'round, and to prove to myself that i could do school again. i don't think it was about the money. i'd like to be able to travel the world and leave my kids a phat trust fund, but i can't see myself in a suit every damn day. just becuase i can, doesn't mean i should.

i think i was in high school when i first said i wanted to write. i've been saying that for a long time. recently, i decided it was time to leave VA. i tend to go back and forth on this one, but i've been here. done this. it's definitely time to move on. i'm thinking NY. i got peoples there. (gotta go where my people are.) i got people in LA too, but being in 757 and having VA state po-po on my ass had turned me off to the urban sprawl of LA. i could do SF. don't know if i got folks there though.

right now, it's more about bringing closure to where i've been. i spent my first 26 years trying to be what i thought i was supposed to be. now, i'm trying to figure out who/what/where i am. i've tried this before - making a move to make a statement. my last move was about removing myself from the 434. my next move should be about me. no one else. just me.

i really gotta stop overthinking these things though. there is something oddly enjoyable in not knowing what's next. life's too short to bullshit through it.