what to do, what to do, what to do

i have a habit of trying to too much when i can't figure out what to do. for example, in the next 3 weeks i've scheduled trips to st. louis, boston, and chicago. boston is school-related, so i gotta go. st. louis is hosting the national women's mba conference. they got a career fair and i need a job. then in chicago, there's the ph.d. project. for 100 bucks i can spend 2 days in chicago, but do i really want a ph.d. in business? ummm... no. ph.d. yes. but in what? finance, management, strategy? i figure if i can't answer those questions now, i'm not really interested enough to get through a ph.d. program.

then there's my special friend, she's back. i'm stuck. what can i say? i figure if i'm still stuck after all this time i should pay attention to my instincts. in spite of all the frustrations, she probably the only person who sees me from the inside out, rather than the other way around. she'd never let me get away with bullshit i'm getting away with these days, like flying to chi-town posing as a potential ph.d. program.

what else do my instincts tell me? they tell me that i really should give up this game i'm playing with myself. i should stop trying to so the things i think i should do, and have the courage to do the things i really want to do.

it's not that i'm indecisive. i'm just unwilling to let myself go further out a limb. even now, on my own damn blog, i hesitate to put it out there. i suppose that's a sign that it might really be important to me. i'm most protective of what's nearest and dearest.