argh...

i really need to turn of the tv and pick up a book. being who we really want to be is hard. it takes effort. i believe i have an aversion to effort. this is problematic.

foggy thoughts

i love this weather. mild and stormy. loud, heavy rains. it allows me to be housebound and content. free to brood in my sloth. in my own little world. this is even better when i am in my happy place. muahahahaha... i'm sitting on harlem right now.

the decision-making process

i've been brooding over my ineptitude all week. sometime in the last 2 days i had a conversation with myself about taking the steps i'm willing to take rather than taking the steps i feel like i should take. The latter involves resumes, cover letters, follow-up, networking. The former, i'm clueless about. why do i feel like i don't know myself well enough to know what i want to do?

this got me thinking about how i ended up in my present situation (in my people's house, in school). i made this decision mainly because i felt the need to be closer to my family. like i needed to go back to move forward. it was a retreat of sorts. a search for closure. a need to reconnect. etc. now - i realize my parents are grown. even when they don't act like it. and i'm no longer willing to be a buffer. same for my brother. he's out the house alive. time for him to do his own thing for a bit. now there are other family members on my radar - my cousin, my sister, my great aunt. so family is still a priority, but not a decision driver.

then there's me. right now, i'm at a place in my life where i can be me and not feel any pressure to restrain myself. so i'm thinking big city - NYC, (SF). i feel boxed in in VA. i gotta get out. there's also the family thing, i need space from other folks with my last name. so no VA. no NC. i could do new york. get a different perspective on family. force the issue.

most importantly though, these days i don't feel like such a late-bloomer. my decisions have just been a reflection of where my head was at the time i made them. it's ironic too, because, when i came back from atlanta, i had a conversation with my father about feeling frustrated with myself for taking advantage of what come my way, rather than figuring out where i really wanted to go, the road less traveled. he said could understand my frustration because grew up in a family that doesn't take risks. strictly status cuo. hence my rebellion against all things status quo - most importantly, my inability to consider making decisions driven by money. i've allowed that to take precedence over everything else, and i know i've got to stop. i know i gotta eat, but at this point, i can do that reagardless. (me not pimping my resume right now, does not preclude me from finding emloyment upon graduation.) dad said this was the time in my life where i should not be afraid to take risks. risk-return.

which leads me to my next move. it's coming to me. slowly but surely coming into view. it feels right. it suits me. i can allow myself to be consumed with it without feeling like i'm missing out. (<- primary reason i could never be a banker.) i think you have to allow yourself to be consumed with a craft to be successful, or at least i know i do. in order to be willing to work, to grow, to make a contribution, i need to be consumed. i'm still marinating on it though. ever the tortoise. i'm looking forward to winter on house arrest. i'll have lots of time to read. but anyone making moves from 757 to 804, or 434, holla at me. i'll definitely need to get out from time to time. (i'll be riding shotgun for the next six months. probably a good thing.) come march 27, i' ll be ready for my next coming out party (LA?). holla...

one more thing...

i just want to send some love to all my peoples everywhere. i am most appreciative of my friends. what the quote... 'friends are people who know you and still like you' ... or something like that. thank you.

'round and 'round in circles

damn this job search. the reality of the situation is that i never really wanted a job. all i ever wanted to do was sit in a corner and think. and write. consider the list of people i've admired since i could read: dubois, washington, gates, west, coltrane, davis, hendrix, morrison, hurston, baldwin, walker, lorde, hughes, lawrence, biggers, tanner. these people were writers, artists, musicians, visionaries and revolutionaries. i didn't ever read anything about them pushing resumes and cover letters, and 60 second elevator stories.

i didn't make a decision to return to school to be a banker. i felt like i needed to come home, for a littany of reasons. i knew i needed a better understanding of how money really makes the world go 'round, and to prove to myself that i could do school again. i don't think it was about the money. i'd like to be able to travel the world and leave my kids a phat trust fund, but i can't see myself in a suit every damn day. just becuase i can, doesn't mean i should.

i think i was in high school when i first said i wanted to write. i've been saying that for a long time. recently, i decided it was time to leave VA. i tend to go back and forth on this one, but i've been here. done this. it's definitely time to move on. i'm thinking NY. i got peoples there. (gotta go where my people are.) i got people in LA too, but being in 757 and having VA state po-po on my ass had turned me off to the urban sprawl of LA. i could do SF. don't know if i got folks there though.

right now, it's more about bringing closure to where i've been. i spent my first 26 years trying to be what i thought i was supposed to be. now, i'm trying to figure out who/what/where i am. i've tried this before - making a move to make a statement. my last move was about removing myself from the 434. my next move should be about me. no one else. just me.

i really gotta stop overthinking these things though. there is something oddly enjoyable in not knowing what's next. life's too short to bullshit through it.