and so it is...

sometimes folks just don't know what's good for them. or rather, they know what's good for them, and just don't think enough of themselves to act in their own best interest. i'm guilty of doing this, but on a smaller scale... like not working out, not drinking enough water, procrastinating, smoking newports, etc. i suppose i can remember a time when i too was willing to allow myself to be tortured by other people's negativity. there are plenty of people out there looking to shine vicariously through, and at the expense of, the individuals with good hearts, kind souls, and strong spirits.

it is true that misery loves company. even when joy is knocking on the window.

me... i'm just a tasty cake cooking in a warm oven. i picked out a tasty flavor of icing, hoping it would be willing to grace my cake. i don't think the finished product would be as tasty with another flavor of icing. but if i stay in the oven too long, waiting for my chosen icing, i'll get burned, and i won't be as tasty. do i take the risk? go shopping for another flavor? or enjoy my tasty pound cake self?

i'll probably procrastinate. brood over the decision. stay in the oven until i'm charred to a crisp. hope i don't set the house on fire.

and so it is. (but i do like pound cake.)

what to do, what to do, what to do

i have a habit of trying to too much when i can't figure out what to do. for example, in the next 3 weeks i've scheduled trips to st. louis, boston, and chicago. boston is school-related, so i gotta go. st. louis is hosting the national women's mba conference. they got a career fair and i need a job. then in chicago, there's the ph.d. project. for 100 bucks i can spend 2 days in chicago, but do i really want a ph.d. in business? ummm... no. ph.d. yes. but in what? finance, management, strategy? i figure if i can't answer those questions now, i'm not really interested enough to get through a ph.d. program.

then there's my special friend, she's back. i'm stuck. what can i say? i figure if i'm still stuck after all this time i should pay attention to my instincts. in spite of all the frustrations, she probably the only person who sees me from the inside out, rather than the other way around. she'd never let me get away with bullshit i'm getting away with these days, like flying to chi-town posing as a potential ph.d. program.

what else do my instincts tell me? they tell me that i really should give up this game i'm playing with myself. i should stop trying to so the things i think i should do, and have the courage to do the things i really want to do.

it's not that i'm indecisive. i'm just unwilling to let myself go further out a limb. even now, on my own damn blog, i hesitate to put it out there. i suppose that's a sign that it might really be important to me. i'm most protective of what's nearest and dearest.

argh...

i really need to turn of the tv and pick up a book. being who we really want to be is hard. it takes effort. i believe i have an aversion to effort. this is problematic.

foggy thoughts

i love this weather. mild and stormy. loud, heavy rains. it allows me to be housebound and content. free to brood in my sloth. in my own little world. this is even better when i am in my happy place. muahahahaha... i'm sitting on harlem right now.

the decision-making process

i've been brooding over my ineptitude all week. sometime in the last 2 days i had a conversation with myself about taking the steps i'm willing to take rather than taking the steps i feel like i should take. The latter involves resumes, cover letters, follow-up, networking. The former, i'm clueless about. why do i feel like i don't know myself well enough to know what i want to do?

this got me thinking about how i ended up in my present situation (in my people's house, in school). i made this decision mainly because i felt the need to be closer to my family. like i needed to go back to move forward. it was a retreat of sorts. a search for closure. a need to reconnect. etc. now - i realize my parents are grown. even when they don't act like it. and i'm no longer willing to be a buffer. same for my brother. he's out the house alive. time for him to do his own thing for a bit. now there are other family members on my radar - my cousin, my sister, my great aunt. so family is still a priority, but not a decision driver.

then there's me. right now, i'm at a place in my life where i can be me and not feel any pressure to restrain myself. so i'm thinking big city - NYC, (SF). i feel boxed in in VA. i gotta get out. there's also the family thing, i need space from other folks with my last name. so no VA. no NC. i could do new york. get a different perspective on family. force the issue.

most importantly though, these days i don't feel like such a late-bloomer. my decisions have just been a reflection of where my head was at the time i made them. it's ironic too, because, when i came back from atlanta, i had a conversation with my father about feeling frustrated with myself for taking advantage of what come my way, rather than figuring out where i really wanted to go, the road less traveled. he said could understand my frustration because grew up in a family that doesn't take risks. strictly status cuo. hence my rebellion against all things status quo - most importantly, my inability to consider making decisions driven by money. i've allowed that to take precedence over everything else, and i know i've got to stop. i know i gotta eat, but at this point, i can do that reagardless. (me not pimping my resume right now, does not preclude me from finding emloyment upon graduation.) dad said this was the time in my life where i should not be afraid to take risks. risk-return.

which leads me to my next move. it's coming to me. slowly but surely coming into view. it feels right. it suits me. i can allow myself to be consumed with it without feeling like i'm missing out. (<- primary reason i could never be a banker.) i think you have to allow yourself to be consumed with a craft to be successful, or at least i know i do. in order to be willing to work, to grow, to make a contribution, i need to be consumed. i'm still marinating on it though. ever the tortoise. i'm looking forward to winter on house arrest. i'll have lots of time to read. but anyone making moves from 757 to 804, or 434, holla at me. i'll definitely need to get out from time to time. (i'll be riding shotgun for the next six months. probably a good thing.) come march 27, i' ll be ready for my next coming out party (LA?). holla...

one more thing...

i just want to send some love to all my peoples everywhere. i am most appreciative of my friends. what the quote... 'friends are people who know you and still like you' ... or something like that. thank you.

'round and 'round in circles

damn this job search. the reality of the situation is that i never really wanted a job. all i ever wanted to do was sit in a corner and think. and write. consider the list of people i've admired since i could read: dubois, washington, gates, west, coltrane, davis, hendrix, morrison, hurston, baldwin, walker, lorde, hughes, lawrence, biggers, tanner. these people were writers, artists, musicians, visionaries and revolutionaries. i didn't ever read anything about them pushing resumes and cover letters, and 60 second elevator stories.

i didn't make a decision to return to school to be a banker. i felt like i needed to come home, for a littany of reasons. i knew i needed a better understanding of how money really makes the world go 'round, and to prove to myself that i could do school again. i don't think it was about the money. i'd like to be able to travel the world and leave my kids a phat trust fund, but i can't see myself in a suit every damn day. just becuase i can, doesn't mean i should.

i think i was in high school when i first said i wanted to write. i've been saying that for a long time. recently, i decided it was time to leave VA. i tend to go back and forth on this one, but i've been here. done this. it's definitely time to move on. i'm thinking NY. i got peoples there. (gotta go where my people are.) i got people in LA too, but being in 757 and having VA state po-po on my ass had turned me off to the urban sprawl of LA. i could do SF. don't know if i got folks there though.

right now, it's more about bringing closure to where i've been. i spent my first 26 years trying to be what i thought i was supposed to be. now, i'm trying to figure out who/what/where i am. i've tried this before - making a move to make a statement. my last move was about removing myself from the 434. my next move should be about me. no one else. just me.

i really gotta stop overthinking these things though. there is something oddly enjoyable in not knowing what's next. life's too short to bullshit through it.

naima

twice today someone asked me 'bout my middle name... first, a classmate who was just asking a random question i suppose. when i told him, he laughed, as if he'd known someone else with the name. said he liked it, and from now on he was going to call me naima. no more than 3 hours later in best buy, the cashier looked at my DL and asked the same question. 'such a beautiful name,' she said. i told her she should listen to the Coltrane song if she wanted to hear what beautiful sounded like. she was thinking about baby names and would remember mine. she tried it out - 'bye naima,' as i walked away smiling.

buy low. sell high. get out.

housing limbo begins tomorrow. the peoples are feeling sentimental. separation anxiety is to be expected because time creates false attachments. what is a house but bricks, wood, and paint? lincoln street taught me that. home is where the family is, but a house is an investment. buy low, sell high, get out, move on. i'm the first to complain about moving, especially with so much on our collective plates. i hate the unsettledness of it all. however, i definitely don't feel the sense of attachment i used to feel. i suppose age and experience has taught me that things change. nowadays, when i get to feeling sentimental, i recognize that memory favors the happy moments. all i have to do is take a moment to dig up some dirt, flashback to a not-so-happy moment, and begin to look forward again. no need to fear the unknown. all i need to know i learned from listening to luther - 'a chair is still a chair...'

Don't shit where you sleep.

I was fortuntate to have this advice imparted to me before it came to bite me in the ass. Like every good piece of advice, I've tried to share the sentiment whenever appropriate. Unfortunately, folks don't want to listen. Sometimes, folks just gotta learn things the hard way.

Did ya'll catch Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke? Truly mandatory viewing. Fuel for the ABW fire.

And why does every female I know think they're bringing Sexy back? When did Sexy leave? I missed that...

back to skool

this weekend i learned that my time is worth waaay more to me than anyone else. it is truly my greatest resource. i never made it to charlottesville... that's probably a good thing. i still have no plan... that's also a good thing. i'm working on being present in the moment and not being so hard on myself. every day is extraordinary...

R.I.P Gatsby - thanks for keeping me warm, keeping me company, and being the best mascot the Woo ever had. Thanks for truly being a bad ass 'bout it bitch.

will the real lboogie please stand up?

why do i still feel the need to maintain status quo? i'm so torn between what i should do and what i really want to do. what do i really want to do? pack my shit. kidnap my girl. drive west. see what happens. seriously. after 12 weeks in VT, the last thing i want to do in this lifetime is spend 10 hours a day letting the Man pimp my brain. In spite of my true desires, I still find myself playing the job search game, but I don't have the heart, and I'm all about heart. as i stand at the fork in the road, why do i lack the courage to do my own thing? 'cause it's lonely out here...

timely quote (thanks moms)

"when i am not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. when i get bored, i get distracted, and when i get distracted, I become depressed. It is a natural resisitance, and it insures your integrity" - Maria Irene Fornes

is that my problem? 'cause i am one bored, distracted, depressed individual. i'ma look into this.

late blooms

look! i decorated the bat cave. if i really had a bat cave that shit would be laid out tight.

aiight, moment of truth... i need to get off the drugs. seriously. it just occurred to me how long it's been since i've gone substance-free for any significant period of time... 'bout eight or nine years. no wonder my brain is fried. i got zero attention span and zero interest in much of anything. it's down right sad. and i just keep putting it off. everytime i get down to the last bottle, last pack, last sack, last whatever, I say that's it. i'm done... but i always reach out for something. argh... gotta shake the monkeys.

so i'ma finish off this ish right here and that's it... i'm done.

dan rather for president

yo... dan rather needs to run for president. after all his years of investigating, surely he know some things the rest of us don't know, and surely by now he's developed some alternative plans of action... let the dude have an opinion and act on it. let's be real, folks ain't ever gon' be too politically involved. i know dan. i like dan. he'd give a damn good speech from the oval office. he's actually BEEN to iraq. been to vietnam. been to every other war zone... probably has a clearer idea of how much the rest of the world is ready to nlow us up, 'cause george is clueless. let's get a third party going and elect dan rather for president ya'll. can we do a massive write-in campaign? that would be hot. start speading the word.

oooh tonight i met this absolutely adorable skater dude named dave. i found my 2006 w.b.c. - all is right with the world again. dave rode his skateboard down and hill for me. i tried to skateboard and he held my hands, and i so pulled that dizty white girly girl act, like heidi from 'the hils.' i hope i see him again soon. i would come back to vt for some skater dave.

write-in dan rather for president 2008.

a change gon' come

"i realised that marijuana was going to be an enormous political catalsyt, because anyone who got high would immediately see through the official hallucination that had been laid down and would begin questioning, 'what is this war?'" - allen ginsburg

yes, i spend most of my time in a foggy state, but i been paying attention to what's going on in the world right now... israel invading lebanon, north korea launching missles...

if you aren't already paying attention...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2381098849184685952&q=freedom

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3254488777215293198&q=freedom+to+fascism

www.consciousmedianetwork.com

randomness

muahahahaha... mcgruder is on point.
ps - please don't miss out on the new brand new heavies cd. pick that jawn up. mine will be on repeat for the rest of the summer.

rise or fall

when faced with a seemingly overwhelming situation or circumstance, most individuals either rise to the occasion or succumb to the pressure. problem is, this assumption is usually an outside observation of the individual, rather than the individuals perception of herself.

i suppose the fact that i am taking advantage of my current situation to be a scrub, would lead some to assume i've succumb to the pressure... (what pressure? the pressure i guess most interns feel to do an exemplary job and "network" during their 12-week job interview.) for some reason, i never felt that pressure. i had hoped to be wowed by corporate america, but in reality i am still throughly disgusted by it in a lot of ways. point is - i don't want to be a part of it. that certainty has afforded me an opportunity to rethink a lot of things. mainly, i had to figure out how i ended up in this situation in the first place. what's really striking to me is that the sense of isolation is eerily reminiscent of my time spend in hereford - when i was 19 and lost my fool crazy mind.

so lately i've been barracading myself in my room thinking. the tv is on. the room is smoky. my thoughts are hazy. they are of relationships - family, friends, lovers, heroes. they are of me - my fears, my inhibitions, my hopes, my lack of balls to dare to dream. i realize that as i original as i try to be in thought and spirit, I am woefully ordinary because I have yet to take that long hard look in the mirror and ask myself - "what if you dared to dream?"

then i get to thinking of my family. i was born into a truly special family. three generations of my family have professional degrees, on both sides. so that's expected. no props for that. and trust that there's no job i could have at this age that would afford me the lifestyle i've my whole damn life. i do believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. when i was 18 i thought that meant i should do all the things folks expected of me. go to medical school. find a cure for aids. walk on mars. those types of things. but they weren't my dreams.

then i get to thinking 'bout relationships. when an individual is focused on maintaining the status quo, the individual is not herself - so that whole relationship deal just doesn't work. all i really want to do is get better at being me. it ain't easy. (i get stared at.) there is courage in just being me. that is beautiful. i need time to enjoy my shine ya know.

ah... then i get to thinking 'bout my little man... 'bout to be off to college... 'bout to take that step that was my first stumble. i got lost my first trip out the gate. he remembers that. maybe it's a sign, i find myself in a situaiton reminiscent of hereford - when i contemplated suidicide and estimated the number of days my body could possibly rot before being found. back then i thought of him, and how i would never want him to get that lost. that was enough to keep it moving until the sun came out again. i'm glad i did. now i'm glad i'm around to look out for him. he'll be fine. he'll do his thing, and i'll have his back. maybe he'll let me be a part of his entourage...

then i get to thinking about the fact that i smell like ass, and i should shower and get to work before someone notices i ain't been there all morning. muahahahahahaha.... damn it feels good. i love ya'll. all ya'll out there... nuttin' but love. lboogs is risin'.

highlight of the day

i spend most of my weekend days horizontal watching MTV. i'm hibernating in the summer time. options are limited. MTV news just did a special on baltimore club music and they showed Paradox and DJ K-Swift. Damn I miss them days. And i guess that's my problem right now... I need to get out.
i went to this spot called the Green Room in burlington friday night. the dj played a nice set... a lil Outkast, some Pharcyde. I was impressed... but the conversation was about ice hockey vs. football (soccer). are you serious? lil' kids in brazil ain't got ice rinks. end of convo. my point... the music was just playing in the background. i might have been the only one besides the DJ with any appreciation for the beats. (i do think it's really weird to hear hip-hop in bars with no black people. imagine walking into a bar full of black folks listening to Kenny Chesney. Yeah... it's like that.)
it was definitely cool to see MTV branching out a bit, though they failed to mention to the masses that Paradox is frequented by those who enjoy alternative lifestyles... but then again, a club full of black folks is never status quo. makes me wanna get some fresh kicks and a wife beater and wil' out with my peoples.

world cup final... france or italy? two words: theirry henry. holla...

advice

when life gives you lemons, break out the tequila and salt.