"when i am not doing something that comes deeply from me, I get bored. when i get bored, i get distracted, and when i get distracted, I become depressed. It is a natural resisitance, and it insures your integrity" - Maria Irene Fornes
is that my problem? 'cause i am one bored, distracted, depressed individual. i'ma look into this.
7.27.2006
7.16.2006
late blooms
look! i decorated the bat cave. if i really had a bat cave that shit would be laid out tight.
aiight, moment of truth... i need to get off the drugs. seriously. it just occurred to me how long it's been since i've gone substance-free for any significant period of time... 'bout eight or nine years. no wonder my brain is fried. i got zero attention span and zero interest in much of anything. it's down right sad. and i just keep putting it off. everytime i get down to the last bottle, last pack, last sack, last whatever, I say that's it. i'm done... but i always reach out for something. argh... gotta shake the monkeys.
so i'ma finish off this ish right here and that's it... i'm done.
aiight, moment of truth... i need to get off the drugs. seriously. it just occurred to me how long it's been since i've gone substance-free for any significant period of time... 'bout eight or nine years. no wonder my brain is fried. i got zero attention span and zero interest in much of anything. it's down right sad. and i just keep putting it off. everytime i get down to the last bottle, last pack, last sack, last whatever, I say that's it. i'm done... but i always reach out for something. argh... gotta shake the monkeys.
so i'ma finish off this ish right here and that's it... i'm done.
dan rather for president
yo... dan rather needs to run for president. after all his years of investigating, surely he know some things the rest of us don't know, and surely by now he's developed some alternative plans of action... let the dude have an opinion and act on it. let's be real, folks ain't ever gon' be too politically involved. i know dan. i like dan. he'd give a damn good speech from the oval office. he's actually BEEN to iraq. been to vietnam. been to every other war zone... probably has a clearer idea of how much the rest of the world is ready to nlow us up, 'cause george is clueless. let's get a third party going and elect dan rather for president ya'll. can we do a massive write-in campaign? that would be hot. start speading the word.
oooh tonight i met this absolutely adorable skater dude named dave. i found my 2006 w.b.c. - all is right with the world again. dave rode his skateboard down and hill for me. i tried to skateboard and he held my hands, and i so pulled that dizty white girly girl act, like heidi from 'the hils.' i hope i see him again soon. i would come back to vt for some skater dave.
write-in dan rather for president 2008.
oooh tonight i met this absolutely adorable skater dude named dave. i found my 2006 w.b.c. - all is right with the world again. dave rode his skateboard down and hill for me. i tried to skateboard and he held my hands, and i so pulled that dizty white girly girl act, like heidi from 'the hils.' i hope i see him again soon. i would come back to vt for some skater dave.
write-in dan rather for president 2008.
7.14.2006
a change gon' come
"i realised that marijuana was going to be an enormous political catalsyt, because anyone who got high would immediately see through the official hallucination that had been laid down and would begin questioning, 'what is this war?'" - allen ginsburg
yes, i spend most of my time in a foggy state, but i been paying attention to what's going on in the world right now... israel invading lebanon, north korea launching missles...
if you aren't already paying attention...
yes, i spend most of my time in a foggy state, but i been paying attention to what's going on in the world right now... israel invading lebanon, north korea launching missles...
if you aren't already paying attention...
7.10.2006
randomness
muahahahaha... mcgruder is on point.
ps - please don't miss out on the new brand new heavies cd. pick that jawn up. mine will be on repeat for the rest of the summer.
rise or fall
when faced with a seemingly overwhelming situation or circumstance, most individuals either rise to the occasion or succumb to the pressure. problem is, this assumption is usually an outside observation of the individual, rather than the individuals perception of herself.
i suppose the fact that i am taking advantage of my current situation to be a scrub, would lead some to assume i've succumb to the pressure... (what pressure? the pressure i guess most interns feel to do an exemplary job and "network" during their 12-week job interview.) for some reason, i never felt that pressure. i had hoped to be wowed by corporate america, but in reality i am still throughly disgusted by it in a lot of ways. point is - i don't want to be a part of it. that certainty has afforded me an opportunity to rethink a lot of things. mainly, i had to figure out how i ended up in this situation in the first place. what's really striking to me is that the sense of isolation is eerily reminiscent of my time spend in hereford - when i was 19 and lost my fool crazy mind.
so lately i've been barracading myself in my room thinking. the tv is on. the room is smoky. my thoughts are hazy. they are of relationships - family, friends, lovers, heroes. they are of me - my fears, my inhibitions, my hopes, my lack of balls to dare to dream. i realize that as i original as i try to be in thought and spirit, I am woefully ordinary because I have yet to take that long hard look in the mirror and ask myself - "what if you dared to dream?"
then i get to thinking of my family. i was born into a truly special family. three generations of my family have professional degrees, on both sides. so that's expected. no props for that. and trust that there's no job i could have at this age that would afford me the lifestyle i've my whole damn life. i do believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. when i was 18 i thought that meant i should do all the things folks expected of me. go to medical school. find a cure for aids. walk on mars. those types of things. but they weren't my dreams.
then i get to thinking 'bout relationships. when an individual is focused on maintaining the status quo, the individual is not herself - so that whole relationship deal just doesn't work. all i really want to do is get better at being me. it ain't easy. (i get stared at.) there is courage in just being me. that is beautiful. i need time to enjoy my shine ya know.
ah... then i get to thinking 'bout my little man... 'bout to be off to college... 'bout to take that step that was my first stumble. i got lost my first trip out the gate. he remembers that. maybe it's a sign, i find myself in a situaiton reminiscent of hereford - when i contemplated suidicide and estimated the number of days my body could possibly rot before being found. back then i thought of him, and how i would never want him to get that lost. that was enough to keep it moving until the sun came out again. i'm glad i did. now i'm glad i'm around to look out for him. he'll be fine. he'll do his thing, and i'll have his back. maybe he'll let me be a part of his entourage...
then i get to thinking about the fact that i smell like ass, and i should shower and get to work before someone notices i ain't been there all morning. muahahahahahaha.... damn it feels good. i love ya'll. all ya'll out there... nuttin' but love. lboogs is risin'.
i suppose the fact that i am taking advantage of my current situation to be a scrub, would lead some to assume i've succumb to the pressure... (what pressure? the pressure i guess most interns feel to do an exemplary job and "network" during their 12-week job interview.) for some reason, i never felt that pressure. i had hoped to be wowed by corporate america, but in reality i am still throughly disgusted by it in a lot of ways. point is - i don't want to be a part of it. that certainty has afforded me an opportunity to rethink a lot of things. mainly, i had to figure out how i ended up in this situation in the first place. what's really striking to me is that the sense of isolation is eerily reminiscent of my time spend in hereford - when i was 19 and lost my fool crazy mind.
so lately i've been barracading myself in my room thinking. the tv is on. the room is smoky. my thoughts are hazy. they are of relationships - family, friends, lovers, heroes. they are of me - my fears, my inhibitions, my hopes, my lack of balls to dare to dream. i realize that as i original as i try to be in thought and spirit, I am woefully ordinary because I have yet to take that long hard look in the mirror and ask myself - "what if you dared to dream?"
then i get to thinking of my family. i was born into a truly special family. three generations of my family have professional degrees, on both sides. so that's expected. no props for that. and trust that there's no job i could have at this age that would afford me the lifestyle i've my whole damn life. i do believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. when i was 18 i thought that meant i should do all the things folks expected of me. go to medical school. find a cure for aids. walk on mars. those types of things. but they weren't my dreams.
then i get to thinking 'bout relationships. when an individual is focused on maintaining the status quo, the individual is not herself - so that whole relationship deal just doesn't work. all i really want to do is get better at being me. it ain't easy. (i get stared at.) there is courage in just being me. that is beautiful. i need time to enjoy my shine ya know.
ah... then i get to thinking 'bout my little man... 'bout to be off to college... 'bout to take that step that was my first stumble. i got lost my first trip out the gate. he remembers that. maybe it's a sign, i find myself in a situaiton reminiscent of hereford - when i contemplated suidicide and estimated the number of days my body could possibly rot before being found. back then i thought of him, and how i would never want him to get that lost. that was enough to keep it moving until the sun came out again. i'm glad i did. now i'm glad i'm around to look out for him. he'll be fine. he'll do his thing, and i'll have his back. maybe he'll let me be a part of his entourage...
then i get to thinking about the fact that i smell like ass, and i should shower and get to work before someone notices i ain't been there all morning. muahahahahahaha.... damn it feels good. i love ya'll. all ya'll out there... nuttin' but love. lboogs is risin'.
7.09.2006
highlight of the day
i spend most of my weekend days horizontal watching MTV. i'm hibernating in the summer time. options are limited. MTV news just did a special on baltimore club music and they showed Paradox and DJ K-Swift. Damn I miss them days. And i guess that's my problem right now... I need to get out.
i went to this spot called the Green Room in burlington friday night. the dj played a nice set... a lil Outkast, some Pharcyde. I was impressed... but the conversation was about ice hockey vs. football (soccer). are you serious? lil' kids in brazil ain't got ice rinks. end of convo. my point... the music was just playing in the background. i might have been the only one besides the DJ with any appreciation for the beats. (i do think it's really weird to hear hip-hop in bars with no black people. imagine walking into a bar full of black folks listening to Kenny Chesney. Yeah... it's like that.)
it was definitely cool to see MTV branching out a bit, though they failed to mention to the masses that Paradox is frequented by those who enjoy alternative lifestyles... but then again, a club full of black folks is never status quo. makes me wanna get some fresh kicks and a wife beater and wil' out with my peoples.
world cup final... france or italy? two words: theirry henry. holla...
i went to this spot called the Green Room in burlington friday night. the dj played a nice set... a lil Outkast, some Pharcyde. I was impressed... but the conversation was about ice hockey vs. football (soccer). are you serious? lil' kids in brazil ain't got ice rinks. end of convo. my point... the music was just playing in the background. i might have been the only one besides the DJ with any appreciation for the beats. (i do think it's really weird to hear hip-hop in bars with no black people. imagine walking into a bar full of black folks listening to Kenny Chesney. Yeah... it's like that.)
it was definitely cool to see MTV branching out a bit, though they failed to mention to the masses that Paradox is frequented by those who enjoy alternative lifestyles... but then again, a club full of black folks is never status quo. makes me wanna get some fresh kicks and a wife beater and wil' out with my peoples.
world cup final... france or italy? two words: theirry henry. holla...
6.19.2006
the gloves are off...
i been in a bit of a funk up here in VT. when everything changes at once - location, job, living situation - it's hard to put a finger the source of the problem. i figured it out today. it's the white folks. i always hesitate to go there 'cause i know a lot of cool ass white folks and i don't want to generalize. i prefer white folks who have already been pre-exposed to black folks (or just darker skinned folks in general) becuase the folks up here like to stare. they stare because this state is 97% white. they stare at me wherever i go. i'm talking about mouth open mesmerized stares.
now ya'll know i'm used to getting stared at. i'm a six foot tall black woman. the staring makes me feel isolated. the sense of isolation makes me angry, and i take the anger out on myself (most of the time). well now the gloves are coming off.
right now, i am an angry black person... um, wait... i've always been and an angry black person. now, i shall communicate my anger. i will allow myself to feel and process the stares. there is a lot to be learned here.
now ya'll know i'm used to getting stared at. i'm a six foot tall black woman. the staring makes me feel isolated. the sense of isolation makes me angry, and i take the anger out on myself (most of the time). well now the gloves are coming off.
right now, i am an angry black person... um, wait... i've always been and an angry black person. now, i shall communicate my anger. i will allow myself to feel and process the stares. there is a lot to be learned here.
5.31.2006
you know you're in vermont... #1
when, on May 31, the local evening news is doing a feature on how to protect your knees and get ready for ski season.
also, i just want to inform my faithful readers (that means you D.) that i will soon be launching a new blog to record my brief experience working for The Man. the gloves are coming off... be afraid... be very afraid. muahahahahahahahahaha...
also, i just want to inform my faithful readers (that means you D.) that i will soon be launching a new blog to record my brief experience working for The Man. the gloves are coming off... be afraid... be very afraid. muahahahahahahahahaha...
5.26.2006
spooky horoscope
my google homepage horoscope for today...
A conflict between your long-term plans and current work obligations may arouse cross words, followed by a sensible solution. Even if you know there is disagreement, don't shy away from a difficult conversation just to please others. Instead, engage the issues directly and search for common ground.
that's crazy 'cause right now i'm really worried that i might just get on that plane to VA and not come back. well i'd come back for my car and some other essential items, but i don't think i've ever been more ready or excited to make my next move - and i've never been known for my patience. 10 more weeks... so what's the sensible solution?
A conflict between your long-term plans and current work obligations may arouse cross words, followed by a sensible solution. Even if you know there is disagreement, don't shy away from a difficult conversation just to please others. Instead, engage the issues directly and search for common ground.
that's crazy 'cause right now i'm really worried that i might just get on that plane to VA and not come back. well i'd come back for my car and some other essential items, but i don't think i've ever been more ready or excited to make my next move - and i've never been known for my patience. 10 more weeks... so what's the sensible solution?
5.24.2006
the sun shines on vermont
so the sun finally came out, and stayed out all day long. i took some pictures of the sun setting over the lake, but pictures never seem to do a scene justice. i sat at the waterfront for a while and reminisced a bit... figured i'd share the soundtrack. off to my happy place...
5.22.2006
my personal journey
move back to hampton. get to work on lincoln street. celebrate the holidays (for the first time... truly celebrate). finish school. work for bank, locally. pay bills. invest. accumulate capital. open grocery store. open bar. open diner. open bike shop. open barber shop. work. procreate. love. learn to play the guitar. learn to fly. learn to surf. learn to sail. travel. write a book. if i get a chance to do all this... celebrate.
John Paul Jones Arena
WWE Raw, Cirque Du Soleil, Ringling Bros., Diversity CareerDay, Dave Matthews Band... in Charlottesville, VA?!
wooooow...
wooooow...
5.20.2006
how come...
how come...
when i'm in hampton, i wonder why i'm still in hampton?
when i'm not it hampton, i want to go home?
when i'm out with folks, i'd rather be home chillin'?
when i'm home chillin', i'd rather not be home chillin' by myself?
when i'm sober, i wish i weren't?
when i'm not sober, i feel like i'm out of control?
when i was broke, i wanted a job?
when i have a job, i'd rather go my own way?
when i'm single, i'd rather not be?
when i'm not single, i'd rather be?
no matter how long i contemplate the questions, the answers are still elusive?
when i'm in hampton, i wonder why i'm still in hampton?
when i'm not it hampton, i want to go home?
when i'm out with folks, i'd rather be home chillin'?
when i'm home chillin', i'd rather not be home chillin' by myself?
when i'm sober, i wish i weren't?
when i'm not sober, i feel like i'm out of control?
when i was broke, i wanted a job?
when i have a job, i'd rather go my own way?
when i'm single, i'd rather not be?
when i'm not single, i'd rather be?
no matter how long i contemplate the questions, the answers are still elusive?
5.18.2006
i guess it was a good day
today, at about 3:00pm, i saw blue skies for the first time in 6 days. i was about to find myself a strait jacket and a wall to beat my head on, so i'm glad the sun decided to reappear and save me from myself. after work (snooooooze), i finally got a chance to see the burlington waterfront in the sunshine. not bad. everything looks better when the sun is shining. on my little excursion, i found some cool neighborhoods. burlington looks a lot like charlottesville... think belmont in 434, or ghent in 757... and apparently, i'm just not living in the right spot. i'm in the village of essex junction... think crozet in 434, or hilton village in 757.
the sun came out, and i found my happy place. on a side note, i must discuss the tragedies occurring on primetime TV these days. (yes, i'm watching tv with bunny ears.) 3 season finales (Grey's Anatomy, O.C., er)... 7 deaths, or near-deaths... wtf? that's not entertaining, that's depressing.
did i mention it's raining again? and it's supposed to rain until tuesday? clearly it's time to look for weekend flights to LA... still, it was a good day.
the sun came out, and i found my happy place. on a side note, i must discuss the tragedies occurring on primetime TV these days. (yes, i'm watching tv with bunny ears.) 3 season finales (Grey's Anatomy, O.C., er)... 7 deaths, or near-deaths... wtf? that's not entertaining, that's depressing.
did i mention it's raining again? and it's supposed to rain until tuesday? clearly it's time to look for weekend flights to LA... still, it was a good day.
5.16.2006
mojo, where are you?
i have lost the mojo. sad but true. with the help of some guided discussion in a friendly therapy session, i've concluded that i lost my mojo when i moved out of the box. ahhh... the box. i hate to break it to the fine folks in essex junction but ain't no mojo in VT. duh! likewise, ain't no mojo in 757. i always wanted to be one of those idealistic people who gets to do what they love in life. well i love my mojo, and i want it back. so that's my new mission in life... operation mojo reclaimation. Too bad we can't start this operation for another year, but no worries. It's like i told my partner-in-riches... i need time to plan. muahahahahahahahahahahaha...
i'm wilin. memorial day in the 757. it's on...
i'm wilin. memorial day in the 757. it's on...
5.13.2006
errr... I'm in Vermont
No doubt this is by far the craziest, bravest, boldest, most random and strange thing i've ever done. I definitely couldn't turn down the opportunity, but damn if I ain't in Vermont right now. I'm still wrapping my brain around this. The natives were staring at me last night in the grocery store last night, and today in BB&B. Ya'll realize the little kids 'round these parts have only seen black people on ESPN? argh.
5.10.2006
stolen quote
"being deeply loved by someone gives you stregnth; deeply loving someone gives you courage." - lao tzu
if i've learned nothing else this past year, i've learned that lesson to be true.
i jacked this quote from D's travel blog. Leave it to her to provide just the right words. She is the coolest. She is currently living the vagabond life while simultaneously carving her niche in the corporate world. bitch is bad.
if i've learned nothing else this past year, i've learned that lesson to be true.
i jacked this quote from D's travel blog. Leave it to her to provide just the right words. She is the coolest. She is currently living the vagabond life while simultaneously carving her niche in the corporate world. bitch is bad.
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