snuffy unleashed

boogie done moved...

http://snuffy.wordpress.com

2007: year of the boogie

the boogie definitely wasn't getting much love in 2006. can't say i'm sad about closing the books on '06. there's definitely much to look forward to in '07. but before i can get the party started, i have to deal with my addicions and eliminate some things - alcohol, newports, green, and tiff.

drinking just isn't fun anymore. i'd rather drink a V8. plus, it's an expensive habit. patron ain't cheap. smoking is just bad. it's antisocial behavior (and it works, too.) i'd rather just sit outside and stare at the sky. green is good, but in moderation. i do enjoy my happy place. and tiff, well, i'd rather just beat my head on a wall.

life's too short. i got a lotta living to do before i die... and i ain't got time to waste.

other things to do in '07:
get back in the gym
take a writing class
eat breakfast everyday

and so it is...

sometimes folks just don't know what's good for them. or rather, they know what's good for them, and just don't think enough of themselves to act in their own best interest. i'm guilty of doing this, but on a smaller scale... like not working out, not drinking enough water, procrastinating, smoking newports, etc. i suppose i can remember a time when i too was willing to allow myself to be tortured by other people's negativity. there are plenty of people out there looking to shine vicariously through, and at the expense of, the individuals with good hearts, kind souls, and strong spirits.

it is true that misery loves company. even when joy is knocking on the window.

me... i'm just a tasty cake cooking in a warm oven. i picked out a tasty flavor of icing, hoping it would be willing to grace my cake. i don't think the finished product would be as tasty with another flavor of icing. but if i stay in the oven too long, waiting for my chosen icing, i'll get burned, and i won't be as tasty. do i take the risk? go shopping for another flavor? or enjoy my tasty pound cake self?

i'll probably procrastinate. brood over the decision. stay in the oven until i'm charred to a crisp. hope i don't set the house on fire.

and so it is. (but i do like pound cake.)

what to do, what to do, what to do

i have a habit of trying to too much when i can't figure out what to do. for example, in the next 3 weeks i've scheduled trips to st. louis, boston, and chicago. boston is school-related, so i gotta go. st. louis is hosting the national women's mba conference. they got a career fair and i need a job. then in chicago, there's the ph.d. project. for 100 bucks i can spend 2 days in chicago, but do i really want a ph.d. in business? ummm... no. ph.d. yes. but in what? finance, management, strategy? i figure if i can't answer those questions now, i'm not really interested enough to get through a ph.d. program.

then there's my special friend, she's back. i'm stuck. what can i say? i figure if i'm still stuck after all this time i should pay attention to my instincts. in spite of all the frustrations, she probably the only person who sees me from the inside out, rather than the other way around. she'd never let me get away with bullshit i'm getting away with these days, like flying to chi-town posing as a potential ph.d. program.

what else do my instincts tell me? they tell me that i really should give up this game i'm playing with myself. i should stop trying to so the things i think i should do, and have the courage to do the things i really want to do.

it's not that i'm indecisive. i'm just unwilling to let myself go further out a limb. even now, on my own damn blog, i hesitate to put it out there. i suppose that's a sign that it might really be important to me. i'm most protective of what's nearest and dearest.

argh...

i really need to turn of the tv and pick up a book. being who we really want to be is hard. it takes effort. i believe i have an aversion to effort. this is problematic.

foggy thoughts

i love this weather. mild and stormy. loud, heavy rains. it allows me to be housebound and content. free to brood in my sloth. in my own little world. this is even better when i am in my happy place. muahahahaha... i'm sitting on harlem right now.

the decision-making process

i've been brooding over my ineptitude all week. sometime in the last 2 days i had a conversation with myself about taking the steps i'm willing to take rather than taking the steps i feel like i should take. The latter involves resumes, cover letters, follow-up, networking. The former, i'm clueless about. why do i feel like i don't know myself well enough to know what i want to do?

this got me thinking about how i ended up in my present situation (in my people's house, in school). i made this decision mainly because i felt the need to be closer to my family. like i needed to go back to move forward. it was a retreat of sorts. a search for closure. a need to reconnect. etc. now - i realize my parents are grown. even when they don't act like it. and i'm no longer willing to be a buffer. same for my brother. he's out the house alive. time for him to do his own thing for a bit. now there are other family members on my radar - my cousin, my sister, my great aunt. so family is still a priority, but not a decision driver.

then there's me. right now, i'm at a place in my life where i can be me and not feel any pressure to restrain myself. so i'm thinking big city - NYC, (SF). i feel boxed in in VA. i gotta get out. there's also the family thing, i need space from other folks with my last name. so no VA. no NC. i could do new york. get a different perspective on family. force the issue.

most importantly though, these days i don't feel like such a late-bloomer. my decisions have just been a reflection of where my head was at the time i made them. it's ironic too, because, when i came back from atlanta, i had a conversation with my father about feeling frustrated with myself for taking advantage of what come my way, rather than figuring out where i really wanted to go, the road less traveled. he said could understand my frustration because grew up in a family that doesn't take risks. strictly status cuo. hence my rebellion against all things status quo - most importantly, my inability to consider making decisions driven by money. i've allowed that to take precedence over everything else, and i know i've got to stop. i know i gotta eat, but at this point, i can do that reagardless. (me not pimping my resume right now, does not preclude me from finding emloyment upon graduation.) dad said this was the time in my life where i should not be afraid to take risks. risk-return.

which leads me to my next move. it's coming to me. slowly but surely coming into view. it feels right. it suits me. i can allow myself to be consumed with it without feeling like i'm missing out. (<- primary reason i could never be a banker.) i think you have to allow yourself to be consumed with a craft to be successful, or at least i know i do. in order to be willing to work, to grow, to make a contribution, i need to be consumed. i'm still marinating on it though. ever the tortoise. i'm looking forward to winter on house arrest. i'll have lots of time to read. but anyone making moves from 757 to 804, or 434, holla at me. i'll definitely need to get out from time to time. (i'll be riding shotgun for the next six months. probably a good thing.) come march 27, i' ll be ready for my next coming out party (LA?). holla...